Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Midgets and the Bible......Jesus really did love Midgets

On the surface, midgets play a very minor role in the bible. Leviticus 21:20 says midgets cannot enter the holy temple.  The holy temple was a very special and solemn place.  If midgets were up in there, people would be laughing their asses off violating the sanctity of the place.

That is not to say midgets did not play an important role in the bible.  In fact, many of the most important moments in biblical history involved midgets.

David versus Goliath...was Goliath really big or was David a midget?

People often wonder how Jesus walked across the Galili.  Well, he had a bunch of midgets go into the water.    They were able to hold their breaths because they had little snorkels that looked like reeds.  Jesus walked on water by stepping on the midgets' heads.  Afterwards, Jesus turned some water into beer and he and his disciples had a dwarf tossing party.

The traditional account of the Ten Plagues contains some errors.  The final plague that broke the pharaoh's will was not the slaying of the first born son.  Pharaoh cried when all the midgets in Egypt disappeared. He sent the Israelites out to bring the midgets back.

Once Pharaoh realized the Israelites had no intention of bringing back the midgets, he sent his army to chase down the midgets, not the Israelites.  God intervened and split the Red Sea, not as much to save the Israelites, but to swallow up Pharoah's army and save the midgets on the other side who were planning a big dwarf tossing extravaganza on Mount Sinai.

Moses joined the dwarf tossing and asked the Israelites to come up the mountain to join him, but the Israelites decided to worship a golden calf instead.  This pissed God off because dwarf tossing is way more fun than worshiping golden calves.  God sent Moses down the mountain to lecture the Israelites on how fucking stupid they were for worshiping a golden calf instead of dwarf tossing.

Anyway, any major story in the Bible has a dwarf tossing or midget rasslin' angle in it somewhere.