Happy Holidays

Most of you don't know, or frankly don't give a shit that breast cancer awareness month just ended. It's not that I like breast cancer or anything, but breast cancer awareness month is a bullshit holiday. To be frank, most holidays are bullshit.
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This week's post is about rating the holidays. Holidays will be rated on participation and sincerity. For example, breast cancer awareness month gets a 1/10 for participation because the only person that gives a shit about it is that fat cunt in the office that has nothing better to do with herself than go around passing out pink ribbons. It gets a 1/10 for sincerity because it is all about wearing pink ribbons and not really about saving women's lives.

So without further adieu, let's go through the calendar.




The first holiday of the year is New Year's eve/day. I give it a 7 for participation. Most people do something special for New Year's eve, but a lot of people like to stay home to avoid amateur hour.
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New Year's eve gets a 5 for sincerity. It has a commercial element to it, but all in all people seemed to be genuinely excited about the calendar change.



Our next set of holiday's is Martin Luther King Jr. day which is followed up by Black History month. These holidays get a 3 for participation. Only people that work for the government get the day off, and of those who take the day off, most people do not give a shit about MLK or his message.
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For sincerity, I give the holidays a 4. Black people have kept MLK day mostly somber, but Black History month is a crock of shit. You do not see Argentinians trying to suggest that Manu Ginobli should be in the same conversation as Kobe Bryant or Lebron James. Yet every year during Black History month, people try and suggest that the guy who invented peanut butter should be in the same conversation as Einstein and Isaac Newton. This is bullshit, which is why the sincerity score goes down.



Our next holiday is Valentine's day. It gets an 8.5 on the participation scale. Most people seem to participate in it.
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As far as sincerity goes, this holiday gets a 2. About half the population (I will not tell you what half) thinks this holiday is all about love. The other half knows this holiday is all about buying over-priced heart shaped crap so you won't get bitched at.



St. Patrick's day is our next holiday. I give it a 5 for participation. A lot of people like to go out and wear something green on this day, but it does not bring the world to a stand-still like other holidays.
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As far as sincerity goes, this holiday gets a 3. St. Patrick's day was originally supposed to honor the patron St. of Ireland, now it is an excuse for anybody who thinks they have a scintilla of Irish Blood to act like a jack ass. You do not see Black people drinking 40 ouncers and eating watermelon on MLK day, so why should I see wanna-be irish people drinking green beer on St. Patty's day.



Our next holiday is Memorial day. As far as participation goes, this holiday gets an 8. Most people, except people in certain tourist or service industries, take the day off.
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As far as sincerity goes, this holiday gets a very generous 2. Most people do not think about dead soldiers on this day and very few, except politicians, visit soldiers' cemeteries. As for myself, I expressed my feelings for the military here.

http://wirldzlamestblogger.blogspot.com/2009_05_10_archive.html



Our next set of holidays is mothers' day and fathers' day. As far as participation goes, this gets an 8. Most people do something with their mothers on mother's day or at least give them a call. If their mother's are dead, they take out their wives or something. Unfortunately, increasingly large numbers of people do not celebrate father's day because they have no idea who their father's are..
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On the sincerity scale, this holiday gets a 6. Many people do something genuine for their parents on these days, but this holiday is a Hallmark holiday so it can never break a 6 on the sincerity scale.




4th of July is our next holiday. As far as participation goes, it gets a 10. Almost everybody in the USA celebrates it except for Angry Lesbian Hippies who hate America, and it is not as if we miss them.
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As far as sincerity goes, I give this holiday a 7. It's lost some of its meaning, but for the most part it has kept true to its roots.. I don't know what watching some Japanese guy eat 50 hot dogs has to do with the birth of a nation, but I like fireworks and Boston Pops.



Our next major holiday is Halloween. As far as participation goes, it gets a 5. Old people do not seem to celebrate it much.
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As far as sincerity goes, I give Halloween a 9. You are probably saying, "How the fuck can you give this holiday, which is all about selling candy shitty plastic crap shaped like jack-o-lantern's a 9!?" Well let me explain.
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Halloween is one of the only holidays that has aged well over the centuries. It was originally started by the Church in the middle ages to honor all the saints. Now of course, it has nothing to do with saints, like anybody gives a shit.
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Halloween is great because it is the one holiday where normally modest women dress up like total sluts! And total sluts, well they still dress like total sluts. Yes, Halloween is awesome because it's that one time of year where you can see that uptight chick's silver dollar pancake nipples and camel toe through her slut-in-a-bag genie costume. You can have your piety! You can have your saints! I will ogle the strumpets!



Thanksgiving is our next holiday. I give it a 10 for participation. The only people that seem to hate it are vegan hippies with hairy armpits.
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Thanksgiving gets a 7 for sincerity. It is for the most part a good holiday where people unite with their families and close friends. It seems relatively untainted by corporate influence, unless you count the all-powerful turkey industry as a corporate influence. On the other hand it will be defiled this year by Detroit Lyons football.



The last holiday is the grand daddy of them all, Christmas. It gets a 10 for participation. Everybody celebrates it, even non-Christians. Jews celebrate it by eating Chinese food, Chinese celebrate it by making money of Jews.
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As far as sincerity goes, this holiday gets a 2. I don't know what waiting in line for eight hours to buy yet another incarnation of the Iphone has to do with little baby Jesus. I don't know what having a small child sit on some sex offender's lap has to do with the coming of the Lord. But what I do know, is that Christmas is like an autocratic dictator, it is so full of shit it will silence all its critics. Just as I can get labelled a heretic for criticizing the Ayotollah in Iran, I will get labelled a "scrooge" for criticizing Christmas.
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Well, I am like that girl in Iran, Neda, who got shot protesting the Ayatolah. I say Bah Humbug!