New Quiz--the order of things

I. The Order of Things- A quiz

Like the other 10% of the nation that is unemployed, I have the pleasure of watching some Maury and Jerry Springer. After watching these shows, I learned there is an order to things.

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You see, things happen in a certain order. The order can be dictated by logic, custom, or a combination of the two. For example, logic dictates an airplane must take off before it lands. Custom dictates that you get your meat served to you before you get dessert served to you.

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That being said, guess which event comes first based on the logic and custom of Maury and Jerry Springer guests. Answers are on the bottom of the page.

1. a. marry a person

b. have 3 kids with a person

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2. a. have 4 kids

b. turn 19

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3. a. finish junior high school

b. turn your first trick

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4. a. leave the set of the Jerry Springer show, leave the presence of people who want to assault you, clean yourself up, replace torn garments, and salvage whatever dignity you had left.

b. propose marriage

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5. a. admit lie detector test administrator you have been unfaithful to your significant other

b. deny you have been unfaithful to your spouse right before Maury unveils lie detector results

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II. Kid's really are the future of America

Kids really are the future of America and are continuing its values and entrepreneurial ethics. Need proof, just go to any supermarket where kids are selling popcorn, car washes, or some other crap to raise funds for their sports teams or boy scout troops. You will see American kids displaying the following American Business ethics.

1. I know the foreigners can do a better job for cheaper, but pay me twice as much anyway.

You can get your car washed by some Mexicans at a car wash for half the price some high school football team will charge. The Mexicans will clean every inch of your car and are willing to get a little dirty cleaning things like cleaning your tires, emptying out ash trays, and cleaning under seats. Your lazy ass high school kids might do a half assed vacuum job inside your car if you are lucky. Yet I am supposed to pay these high school kids twice as much just because they are white?!

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2. I deserve to have you pay me because I really want that trip, equipment, or some other toy

People should not buy goods or services because they need them and because they are offered at a fair price, they should buy goods and services in order to preserve the middle-class lifestyle of people. It does not matter if little Suzie's cupcakes are overpriced and you are a diabetic, you should buy them anyway because little Suzie deserves to go on that trip with her cheer leading squad to the East Coast. It does not matter if John from Accounting is a worthless sack of shit who has not done anything since 2002, we like him and he's a nice guy, so we should keep him on and pay his six figure salary so he can continue to buy a new car every 3-4 years.

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3. Rely on others to do the heavy lifting, all you need to do is smile and look pretty

Why struggle to build something for yourself if you can just have your parents do it for you? Why toil through some trig problem if a nerd will do it for you? Why do any work around the office if you can just find a way to take credit for someone else's work? Just as they say behind every great man is a great woman, well behind every girl scout that sells 2500 boxes of cookies is a mom that blew half the office. (Behind every girl scout that sells 5000 boxes is a dad that blew half the office and got incriminating photos!)

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4. Your ultimate success will depend on your "people skills"

Some girl scouts will pound the pavement for several hours and only sell a few boxes, while other girl scouts will sell thousands of boxes without lifting a finger. Why the discrepancy? The hard-working girl scouts had no connections. Their mothers did not sell thousands of cookies for them. The girl scouts that did not lift a finger had what is termed "people skills."

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As a general rule of thumb, it is never good when people describe someone as having a good personaltiy. If you were set up on a blind date with a girl with "a nice personality" you know she is going to be uglier than a baboon's butt with hemroids.

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Similary, when people say they have "people skills" in the business world it is their way of saying that they lack talent and accomplished jack shit. "People skills" is the ability to sponge off other people and take credit for their efforts. People with "people skills" are like Stiffler from the American Pie movies. By some measures they are "popular" because people seem to hang around them, but everybody also thinks they are cunts.

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III. Quiz Answers

1. Correct answer is b. It is a good idea to have a few kids with somebody before you commit to something like marriage which will bind you for life.

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2. Correct answer is b. Many people may have been tempted to answer a, however having 4 kids before the age of 19 is way too skany, even by MoPo or Springer standards. Three kids before 19 is par for the course.

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3. Correct answer is b. Selling sex is a sign of maturity that most haters can't appreciate. Talk to the hand!

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4. Correct answer is b. Many women fantasize their whole lives about the ideal wedding proposal. Their man on one knee, wearing his best pair of pants, a tie, and a torn shirt. The third corner of the love triangle ready to violently barge in when she says yes....I am surprised you do not see this in Hugh Grant movies.

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5. Correct answer is b. Even though you told the lie detector guy you cheated a couple times, you might be able to pull this one off. Tell your woman that you have not been cheating. Tell your woman that you got that rash on your dick from playing football.