Tiger Woods: My Dick's Perspective

It seems that the big story these days is Tiger Woods. I am just a loser with a shitty blog, so I cannot give you any gossip you have not heard somewhere else. I also unfortunately cannot interview Tiger, his wife, or any of his mistresses. I can however interview someone who has a valid perspective on the whole situation....my dick. While my dick cannot speak for my brain or my heart, it is safe to say that my dick speaks on behalf of all dicks everywhere.

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Me: Good day to you. I understand you have something to say about the Tiger story.

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Dick: I never had to get more off my chest since that time you got the worst case of blue balls fooling around with that big titted girl in high school.

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Me: So what is the jist of what you have to say?

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Dick: I think the media is being totally unfair to Tiger. If anything, people should be giving shit to his wife.

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Me: How so?

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Dick: Mrs. Woods is spoiled. Sure, Tiger has a relatively easy life. He gets paid millions of dollars to play on golf courses other people pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege to use, but Mrs. Woods' life is easier. She does not have to go out and compete against the world's best in front of thousands of people. All she has to do is make sure the maid cooks Tiger's dinner and spend Tiger's money. Yet she is ungrateful and naive.

Dick (cont): You see there are many women out there that would put up with Tiger Woods' shit. Women are lining up around the block to fuck Big Baby Davis, and he's Big Baby Davis. Tiger Woods' is the best golfer that ever lived and is worth more than a $100 million and will probaby make another $100 million before all is said and done. She should realize that part of the trade off for all she has is allowing Tiger to break off a piece of the trim deluge he is being bombarded with.
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Me: Yeah, but Mrs. Woods is a beautiful woman and the mother of his children, does that count for something?
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Dick: Did you enjoy your Thanksgiving Dinner?
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Me: Yes...why?
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Dick: Did you have good times with your turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes?
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Me: Yes....

Dick: Well on Friday morning after Thanksgiving, did you eat your shit? I mean, you had good times with that Turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Why not gobble it again? Now I know what you are saying...that's ridiculous. I should not eat food I already consumed. Maybe you thought on the Friday after Thanksgiving that you would have another piece of turkey rather than the one you ate last night. Maybe you are fed up with turkey all together and want something else like a burrito.

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Well, that's how Tiger feels. Why settle for that same piece of turkey that does not give hands free blowjobs day in and day out? Why not go out and get another piece of turkey, or mix it up with a burrito or pizza.

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Me: Is there anything else you would like to say?

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Dick: Yeah. I think people should not give Tiger Shit for curling up in a ball and letting his wife beat him with a club. We all know Tiger was in a no-win situation when his wife started attacking him.

Dick: You know OJ Simpson would not curl up in a ball and let his wife beat him with a club. So let us give Tiger a pat on the back for not pulling an OJ, or at least not yet pulling an OJ.

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Me: From what I understand, you would like to drop a word of praise to somebody else?

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Dick: Yeah, I think Mrs. Woods should learn a thing or two from Hillary Clinton.

Me: Why?

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Dick: You see Hillary gets it. Hillary did not go around hitting Bill with golf clubs every time he got himself a piece of ass. She knew she was married to the leader of the free world, and it was inevitable Bill was going to get some trim on the side.

Dick: You see, Hillary in fact should be commended for farming out her blow job work to chubby interns. Women have no problem having some maid cook for their husbands, clean their husband's clothes, or iron their husband's shirts. Yet, the expect their husbands' dicks to suck themselves.

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Not Hillary. As a former corporate executive, she knows that you cannot sweep a job under the rug. The job must get done, and if you are not willing or able to do int yourself, you must dellegate the task to someone else. That is why I aplaud Hillary Clinton and hold her up as a shining example for women everywhere.
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Me: You know, a lot of people are not going to like what you have to say, they might call you a..

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Dick: They might call me a dick?! Well that is what I am, and I am proud of it. True, sometimes I do stupid shit like that time I made you buy all those girls those drinks when it was obvious your sorry ass had no chance of scoring with them.

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But sometimes, Dicks are right. True, we are close to being assholes, but that does not mean that a dick cannot be right.