Making tweets more exciting, the next big rivalry

Tweets and facebook status updates are like fortune cookies, 99.9999% of them are stupid and pointless. Someone figured out fortune cookies could be made more interesting by adding the words "in bed" to them.

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Well, tweets and facebook status updates can be made amusing by adding the words "and it (or she or he or they) felt so good when it went up my ass" to them. Let us give a few examples.

Tweet: "I went out and bought the cutest pair of shoes...."and they felt so good when they went up my ass."

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Facebook status update: "I just went out to Starbucks and got a latte. I had two pumps of sugar free syrup.....and it felt so good when it went up my ass."

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Facebook status update: "John is now a fan of turtleneck sweaters... becausethey feel so good when they go up his ass."

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THE NEXT BIG RIVALRY

The world is full of big rivalries. You have the Jews and Palestinians, Alabama-Auburn, and the Hatfields and McCoys. There is one rivalry that is simmering, that has the potential to surpass them all.

Cripples like to say, "Don't look at me as less of a person. Even though my legs (or arms) do not work, it does not mean that I am not intelligent."
Retards should take this as an insult. Are cripples trying to say that being human is about being intelligent? Lucky for us, retards have not been able to pool their collective wisdom and draw this inference. However, once that dim light bulb turns on in their collective heads, a retard-cripple holy war is on!

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However, special education has come a long way. Retards are now learning how to tie their shoes and stuff. Maybe they will learn to figure out the cripples are dissing them when they say, "I am a good person because my mind works well, even though my legs do not."

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You might be wondering who would win such a war. The cripples have go smarts. They can get someone to build tools they can operate with their pinky fingers to stave off the retard attack. The retards got retard strength though. They can power through things like taser darts because it takes them an hour or so to figure out their balls are on fire. In the end, I give the victory to the retards.

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So what does this mean? Perhaps we should measure what it is to be human on a wholistic scale. We should not only value well roundedness, but treasure those who are extremely lopsided as well.