Saturday, October 24, 2009

Latest Swine Flu, I give advice

The latest news on the swine flu is a few hundred people across America got the shits. Watch out...someone might get the shits near you.
I got an email from somebody asking me for advice. Here it is.

Dear wirldzlamestblogger,

I have a little problem. You may find this hard to believe, but I am rich, well liked, and very good looking. My problem is my wife Angelina adopted a bunch of Black kids. I find myself sexually attracted to these kids and I want to satisfy my urges with them.

I have plenty of money, so I am not worried about going to prison if I get caught. I am worried about losing my popularity though. Will I risk ruining my popularity if I am caught doing something sexual to one of the Black kids? A lot of people say sexually molesting a kid is the worst crime you can do, even worse than murder.


Chad Pitt
(not my real name, because I am not dumb enough to use my real name)
Dear Chad,
Believe it or not you probably could get away with fucking these Black kids. While it is true that in the court of public opinion, child molestation is the worst crime a person can commit, you would not be a child molester in the eyes of the public if you did something sexual with these Black kids.
You see, in order to be a child molester in the eyes of the public, you need to fulfill four requirements. Two of those requirements are readily apparent, namely you have to have sexual contact, and that sexual contact has to be with a kid. There are two other hidden requirements you do not meet if you are rich and handsome and if your victims are Black.
Child molestation is not really a crime in the eyes of the public unless you look creepy. The bar for creepiness is very high.

For example, this guy is not creepy enough to be a child molester in the eyes of the public.

It is highly debatable whether this guy is creepy enough.

This guy, on the other hand is just right. If you look as creepy as this guy, you will get slammed for touching children. You say you are rich and handsome, so you have nothing to worry about.

Child molestation is not really a crime in the eyes of the public unless your victims are fair haired children. As we all know, Fox News will come up with a special graphic and theme song that it will run every 27 minutes if somebody cops a feel on a little Blonde girl. However, nobody will give a shit if a psychopath rapes a troop of Black Girl Scouts, decapitates them, and eats them.
The lines get a little murky when it comes to children who are not white or nor Black. Hispanic kids are generally fair game if they are squat in stature and speak little or no English. Asians are a little cumbersome. I would say as a general rule of thumb, do not mess with Korean or Chinese kids. You should be okay if you mess with a Phillipino kid though. If you do decide to mess with a child who is neither white or Black, you may wish to seek the advice of a qualified professional like your publicist.
Black kids, however, are fair game. Nobody gives a shit about Black kids. Ergo, nobody will hate you if you decide to do anything to these Black kids.
I hope I answered your questions. You see, child molestation is not necessarily the worst crime you can commit in the eyes of the public. And if you are rich enough, you don't have to worry about going to jail because you can buy a not-guilty verdict.
I hope that clarifies things for you...Chad

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