Saturday, February 14, 2009

Here's a funky introduction of how nice I am

Some guy on a job interview asked me what my nickname was. I told him my nickname was "crack."

He asked "Why do they call you crack?"

I answered, "Because you will blugeon your own mother and sell your ass to get a small piece of me."

That is right folks, I am in demand!

But in all serious folk(s), I am not deluded. I know that at the very most 2 people are reading this crap and that I am an underemployed crack smoking loser. Without further adieu, I would like to introduce this week's topics. First I will talk about "forbidden" family feud questions I unearthed, next I will talk about how my plans to fix social security, and finally I will leave you off with a link to a musical number on Youtube.

I. Forbidden Family Feud Questions

I have uncoverred an anonymous, unreliable source who alleges that he used to write questions for Family Feud. The source alleges they do not really find a 100 people to survey, they just make the shit up. Here were some questions and answers that allegedly did not make it on air.

Question: Name a job a man with a turban would have

1. 7-11 store owner---52 points
2. taxi driver-- 21 points
3. terrorist-- 12 poins
4. indian restaurant owner- 7 points
5. turban catalog model--2 points

Question: Places you will find a gay person

1. San Francisco--47 points
2. Liza Minelli Concert--25 points
3. Gay bar--18 points
4. Republican National Convention- 7 points

Question: Places your stash of weed

1. Under the mattress-42
2. In the car-37
3. In the kids' room-8
4. In the refrigerator-7
5 In Paris Hilton's Vagina-2

II. Plan to help fix social security

For those of you that are somewhat well read, you know that the social security system in the United States is going to get fucked more than Britney Spears at her family reunion. Some people have proposed a combination of raising taxes and cutting benefits to help solve the problem. I propose getting rid of old people

We can limit the number of old people in many ways. The first way is cigarettes. Cigarettes shorten life spans. Let every consenting adult who is so inclined puff away all they want. The most patriotic thing you can do as an American is not wave a fucking flag, but convince some young adults smoking is cool.

Second, it should be legal for people over 65 to have any drug they want. I know when I am 70, I would want to take heroin every day. Thus, old people should be allowed, and in fact be encouraged, to take any drug they want.

Finally, old people that clog up the express lane at the supermarket should be killed on sight. Read the fucking sign you old farts! The sign says "express" lane. Express means quick, fast, efficient. Express does not mean pulling out expired coupons and telling the clerk "I thought it was 3 for 79 cents not 2 for 89 cents."

When somebody over the age of 65 enters the express lane, and it comes time to pay, a 24 second clock should start ticking like they have in the NBA. If the old person does not tender payment within 24 seconds, a buzzer can go off. The store manager can then come out and pin the old person to the wall. Those standing behind the old person in line can dispatch them with a gun or any other weapon available.


This musical number brings us back to an era when music was innocent. There was a time when popular music was not about product placement and ring tones. I missed the carefree days when rap music was about slapping your bitch and busting a cap in some guy's ass.

In honor of that bygone era, here is a youtube link to a music video about some playas that keep their hos glistenning and in check.


No comments:

Post a Comment