Saturday, February 21, 2009

My New Campaing---Just Don't Say Yes

I actually got an email from a reader. Unfortunately the reader does not appear to be doing so well.

Dear Lamest,

I went to my friend Mike's house for a party last week. I pulled out a joint, and offered it to Mike in appreciation of his hospitality. He took a respectful drag off it. He then passed it to his girlfriend. She took two tokes off it, but I guess she can get away with it because she is Mike's girlfriend and has an amazing rack.

Anyway, some guy that nobody knew came up to us and asked for a hit. Before I knew it everybody at the party was taking a hit off my joint. By the time the joint finally came back to me it was toast. Needless to say, I was not feeling Irie that night.

Could you speak out against people that mooch weed.


Heart broken toker

Let me just say Heart Broken toker, shit like this brings a tear to sweet baby jesus' eyes. This is why I am starting my new web campaign--Just Dont' Say Yess.

I. Just Don't Say Yes

Kids, Just Don't Say Yes to drugs. When a stranger offers drugs to you at a party, they are just trying to be polite. When this happens, Just Don't Say Yes to Drugs.

Only assholes and losers say yes to strangers' drugs at a party. If you were a considerate person, you would not mooch off of somebody else's drugs.

If you bring drugs to a party, only share them with your closest friends. Try and resist the peer pressure to share your drugs with complete strangers or people you do not really like. You may be affraid that other people will call your names if you don't share your drugs. Remember, these people really aren't your true friends anyway. If these people were your real friends, they would not call you names for not allowing t hem to mooch you weed.

II. People that are not necessarily heroes

The following groups of people are not necessarily heroes. When I say not necessarily, I am not saying that it is not possible for some people in the group to be heroes. For example, when I say Hispanics are not necessarily illegal aliens that does not mean that those Spanish speaking people looking for work outside the Home Depot all have their green cards. So don't get your panties in a bunch.

1. NY City Firefighters

First of all, most NY City Firefighters did not run into the building on 9-11. You can't call yourself a hero if you were on the other side of town that day.

Second, were all the firefighters that did run into the building all heroes? Were they all aware that there was a danger of the buildings collapsing? Is it possible that some of the firefighters were going into the building to initiate some bureacratic clusterfuck and cite the WTC owners for not having the hallways up to code?

2. US Soldiers

Not all US Soldiers are "heroes." Only a small fraction of "soldiers" actually fight on the front lines. The vast majority work in logistics, do paperwork, and things of that sort. Are you going to tell me that some desk jockey is a "hero."

Second, in order to be a hero, US Soldiers have to fight for their nation's freedom. Even if the US Soldiers' hearts are in the right place, they are not fighting for our freeom in Iraq. In fact, the mission they executed in Iraq was counterproductive.

3. Public School Teachers

Public School Teachers bitch about how they do not get enough respect. While good public school teachers are certainly underappreciated, not all public school teachers are good at what they do.

The fact is, many public school teachers are goof offs and rejects. Many people teach public school because waiting tables was not working out.

III. One song you like, two you may not

People get a little too tribal when it comes to music. Rap fans refuse to listen to rock and vice versa. Smiths fans think Pantera is noise, Pantera fans think the Smiths are gay. As one of the few people that likes all types of music, I present you with 2 songs you hate, one song you like.

One of these songs is going to be in your "comfort zone," the other two are not. Listen to them with an open mind.

First Song- Chi Ali- Age Ain't Nothing But a Number

This is a rap song by one of the very few child acts in the history of show biz that was not sickenningly sweet.

Second Song- The Specials- Gangsters

This is a song by one of the original English Ska bands from the 80's.

Third Song- Paul Potts-- Nessun Dorma

Paul Potts is an opera Singer. If this does not bring a tear to your eyes, you are fucking soulless reptile.

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