I. Fun with fundamentalists
I got approached by some Christian fundamentalist the other day. They are tenacious little fuckers and will not let you go. They don't seem to back down, even if you tell them you're a Jew, you are not interested, or you belong to some other fucking church. They will back down if you go over the top on them. Here are things I have said to fundamentalists....
1. Fundy: "our church services are really fun"
Me: Do you guys have beer, hookers, and crack
Fundy: (with puzzled brow) No?
Me: How can you say your services are really fun
2. Glad you approached me. I am looking for a new church. I used to be a Catholic priest
but I was excommunicated. You guys are not hung up on the whole pedophilia thing, are
3. Is your church clothing optional? Are you going to be there with your dick hanging out?
4. I worship the devil. Perhaps we can arrange an inter-faith service at your church next week. We will bring the cake and you can supply the virgin.
II. Midgets are more interesting than Mexicans
I got some hate mail. It went something like this...
Why do you spend so much time making fun of little people and the differently abled. Why don't you make fun of Mexicans or something.
-NOT A FAN
Here is my response,
I am sorry I upset you. Don't get me wrong, I love good ethnic humor just as much as the next guy, its just that midgets are more fascinating than Mexicans. Here are some examples.
1. If you own a factory and have a bunch of Mexicans work hard for you, you are a "sweatshop owner." If you own a factory a bunch of Midgets work for you, you are "Santa Claus."
2. There is nothing special about watching a regular sized Mexican hop a fence or walk across a river, but watching a Mexican midget get thrown over a fence or watching him doggy paddle across the Rio Grande with his little sausage fingers is hilarious shit.
3. Mexican Wrestling is moderately entertaining, while midget wrestling is one of the greatest sports in the midget olympiad.
III. Two songs you dislike, one you don't
"Eruption" by Eddie Van Halen, arguably the greatest guitar player of all time. (You may want to fast forward it for about a minute)
"The People" by Common. Common is one of the few rappers today that does not come off like a total asshole. Oh yea, this song makes a lousy ring tone and there are no Bentleys or hos in the video.
"Having an Average Weekend" aka The Kids in the Hall Theme Song by Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet. Good song, but it like many things Canadian, it seems to be straddled with an inferiority complex.