Friday, May 29, 2009

Guide to Meeting Girls

Guide to Meeting Girls
In this installment of my blog, I have decided to stop making selfish posts about midgets and quadraplegics and give a little back to the community. Many young men (and old men for that matter) have difficulty meeting girls. I will offer helpful and refreshing advice to young men on how they can successfully court young girls.

If you are a young man you have probably heard all sorts of advice already. Some people have told you to act like a big shot, brag, exagerate, and even lie about how great you are. Many counsel against this as it comes off as insincere. Other people may have told you to "just be yourself" and act honest and courteous. Many counsel against this because they think you need to grow a set of balls if you act this way.

I have just learned a secret for young men to meet girls their age. I was watching a Dateline NBC marathon and noticed the techniques men on the show were using to meet young women. The host of the show was outraged by these tactics and a hundred cops would come out with guns drawn to arrest men who employed these tactics.

The host's outrage and the heavy handed use of scarce police resources can only be justified in that the tactics these men use threaten the hymens of teenage girls everywhere. So if you are a young guy and you want to hook up with some of your classmates, forget what everybody else taught you. Follow the Dateline Method for Picking up girls.

I. The Look

Many people say you have to be "cute" like the Jonas Brothers to attract ladies. They stress emphasize pratices like hygene, nice clothes, and a frienldy smile. While many teenage girls love the Jonas Brothers, those that employ the dateline tactic do not look anything like the Jonas brothers. Use these examples to fashion your look that will reel the ladies in.

Look at this guy for example. If I were a 14 year old girl, I could not resist what's lurking underneath those cut-off jeans.

I thought I was 100% heterosexual, but after seeing this guy, I want him to come over for some sweet tea and cookies. Watch out for him, your daughter is going to beg him to come over! Ater all, he looks soooooo sweet.
II. The Conversation
Some guys will tell you you should write a girl love poems or give her sincere complements. Other guys suggest cheesy pick up lines. Others will suggest spitting some suave game. The dateline tactic that young girls find irresistable goes something like this. Don't try this unless you want 14 year olds attacking you.
girl: how r u
guy: fine, yourself
girl: fine he he
guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
girl: yes, that sounds nice
guy: You can then lick your shit off my cock.
girl: ew, that sounds gross
guy: don't worry, it will be nice. I want to fuck you
girl: okay
Don't forget, it is imperative that while chatting online, you send pictures of your junk.
III. Gifts
Many people say it is nice to bring a girl flowers or chocolates when you come to her house to pick her up. The Dateline method frowns upon this idea.

While a small minority of girls like flowers and chocolates, the ideal gift is a 12 pack of natty light, a pack of condoms, and maybe a bottle of Bandalero Tequilla that is 85% empty.

IV. Conclusion

As Dateline NBC clearly shows us, online sexual predators are a serious problem that threatens young girls everywhere. That does not mean young men can't capitalize on the phenomenon. So if you are young guy looking for sex, do not go on that overnight retreat with your priest. Instead, try the Dateline technique to picking up young women. The women will find you irresistable.

Pedophilia is a touchy subject. (No pun intended.) Everybody knows it is wrong and illegal. I am in no terms whatsoever suggesting anybody should go out and do anything that is wrong, stupid, or illegal.

This does not mean however, that we should behave irrationally about it. People have a distorted view of "online sexual predators." Teachers, priests, step parents, and classmates with roofies are far more likely to hurt your kid than some greasy headed guy with a bad mullet.

If online sexual predators were a real threat, how come we have not seen a "reverse" dateline where some 40 year old guy hangs out in a house all alone and lures dozens of teenage girls?

Keep shit in prospective.... peace out

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