Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Football Season is here! Pre-season bosworth's, footbabll wtf's, etc.

I. The Bosworth Award

I'll start this post by announcing the pre-season candidates for the Bosworth Award. The Bosworth Award, named in honor of Brian Bosworth is given to players whose shitty performance on the field falls far short of the off the field hype. It used to be that Black Athletes were born with stupid sounding names or gave themselves stupid sounding names when they converted to Islam. Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson broke new ground by not only giving himself a retarded name and still praying to Jesus, but by winning last year's Bozzie. "Ochocinco" is again creating hype, and will again let the Cincinatti faithful down as the Bungles compete with the Raiders for next year's first round pick.
Reality star, TO looks to give Chad stiff competition. TO, who in his prime was the best receiver in the NFL is getting to the point where he will not be able to back up his shit talking.
Brett Favre, an older, interception-prone guy with a suspect throwing arm who should have retired a year ago is another contender for the Bosworth award. This guy got almost as much press this summer as Michael Jackson. If the Vikings suck, Favre gets a Bozzie.

Shawne "lights out" Merriman is a dark horse for the Bossie. Merriman is coming off a knee injury and is playing for one of the NFL's most over rated teams, the Chargers. The difference between an opposing quarterback and Tila Tequila, is that Shawne Merriman will be able to come within 500 feet of Tila Tequila this season.
II. Football WTF's
Some things about football make me say, What the fuck?

Take the wildcat formation, it is retarded. Okay, I get the part about snapping the ball directly to the running back and having him run it. It's like a quarterback run, without the slow white guy. What I don't get is having the quarterback line up in the wide receiver's position like he's going to run a post pattern down field. I think any team that runs this bullshit gimmick should be disqualified fromt he playoffs.

I hate annoncers that use the word "1 foot line" or "1 inch line" on goal line stands. As you can see above there is no "1 foot" or "1 inch" line on a fucking football field. There is a hash mark 1 yard from the goal line, but no 1 foot line.
III. Suggestions for the Special Olympics
It would not be a complete wirldzlamestblogger post without some crass mocking of the inflicted. I would imagine the special olympics and other athletic events aimed at the "differently abled" do not get the type of attendance that sporting events involving normal people get.

Take the Detroit Lions. Their gate revenues and TV ratings have gone done because nobody wants to watch a bunch of cripples and retards play football when they can watch a decent team, like the Raiders.

Perhaps sports for the "differently" abled would be more popular if they involved things only the "differently abled" could do. That is why I propose the following events.
1. Midget tossing
This HAS to be an Olympic sport. It is a travesty that walking and curling are olympic "sports" but not midget tossing.
2. Three man, three legged race
You have the 4 man bobsled, the 4 man skull, why not the three man, three legged race?
3. One legged man ass kicking contest
We all heard of the expression " you have just as much a chance as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest." Let's even up the odds and have two one legged men go at it!
4. Freestyle Tard Off
This event is simple, yet elegant. You take a bunch of retards and line them behind a line on the field. There is no track for them to run on and no finish line to run to. You fire the gun then yell "Go!" The retards, who will not know what to do will be left to their own devices to do something to satisfy the thousands of cheering fans. Tard with the most style, creativity, originality, and Corky-osity wins.
IV. What heroin is like
You might think I am a total degenerate, but I have never tried heroin. Some say using heroin for the first time is like having the world's best orgasm without your genitals. I could not quite understand them until I went to this site.
Please, I hope this is not a cruel joke.

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